His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
