I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
