He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
