I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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