There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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