I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
