How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
