i wish peter jackson would direct porn
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
