I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
