I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
