Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
