I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
how does that bad decision feel?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
