Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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