Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
