I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
