guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
