I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
