its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
