there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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