No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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