When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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