we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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