I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I can't put those talents on a resume
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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