New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
