After last night, I could never be a politician.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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