explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
