so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i think my cat just said my name.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
