Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
