Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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