it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
