between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
