I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just want to make out with him forever
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
