I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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