If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
