it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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