All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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