We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
