I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
