Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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