Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
