Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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