The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
How's work?
Spinning.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
