I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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