im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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