My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
