Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
