when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
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