Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
