dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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