put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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