I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
